Experience

• 

  Known Universe

  • God Emperor Of The Known Universe

• 

  Known Universe

  • God Emperor of the Known Universe

    • Jun 1988 - Present

    I am God Emperor of the Known Universe. I reside in the Anteres Star Capital where my every breath is made LAW FOR ETERNITY.Those who defy my will are exiled to the perdition of the prison planet Gulagula, which orbits a black hole from which nothing escapes but the screams of the damned.

• 

  Apple / Google / Others

  • Silicon Valley

  • Non-compete Compliance Officer

    • 2000 - 2013
    • Silicon Valley

    I facilitated the now-illegal anti-competitive practice of not hiring from each other's companies by systematically eliminating hiring managers who poached engineers from companies within the cabal. Further, I designed a campaign of intimidation and brainwashing against employees who thought they could get higher salaries by leaving. Har-har-har-har! Their dreams will be forever haunted by the blood of long-dead gods whom I have also slain in metaphysical combat.

• 

  Mesmer Marketing

  • CEO

    • Jan 1990 - Jan 2010

    Correctly predicted Meg Whitman's defeat in the California gubernatorial races due to poor messaging, ill-planned marketing strategy.

• 

  Barry Bonds

  • San Francisco

  • Brain expander

    • 1988 - 2002
    • San Francisco

    Using a variety of exercise regimes and drug protocols, I expanded the volume of Barry Bonds' brain over 40% until his head began visibly swelling from the increased cranial fluid, resulting in the half-human, half-blob monster known as Barry Blob.

• 

  Goldman Sachs

  • New York

  • Embezzlement Specialist

    • 1996 - 1998
    • New York

    I funneled pediatric cancer research money into the pockets of the executive officers to fund their dues at the Satanic Lodge of Caucasian Ancestry, and was instrumental in establishing a diversity program to admit the Irish.

• 

  Scandinavian Death Squad

  • Tactical Officer for Secret Ikea Police

    • 1925 - 1938

    Ikea has held dominance in affordability and design thanks to our ruthless roving death squads that intimidate and exterminate the competition. One time we wiped out an entire village of eco-friendly carpenters who had generations of experience in hand-crafted joinery. Their knowledge is now lost to time.

• 

  Trans-Dimensional Airlines

  • CEO

    • Apr 1902 - Sep 1903